Somewhere along the line, I became so familiar with grief and anxiety that I appreciated their presence more than the way forward into the unknown. I desired chains and sadness instead of healing and freedom from fear.
At that time and even right now I wonder, was it worth it? Was it truly better to have passionately loved Eric and to have felt the tearing anguish of his absence than to never have loved him at all? Most of the time my answer to those questions is a resounding “YES.” Other times, when breathing becomes like rocket science and surviving is my only goal… I wonder if love is worth the pain of loss.
Grief has given me an acute awareness of the brevity of earthly life. Because of that knowledge, I try to treasure each moment and each relationship just a little more. The dark side of this reality is that I also face daily this feeling of dread, that the ones I love are not safe from death.
When anxiety threatens to overcome me and grief is more than I can bear, my rescuer has provided yet another way to cast my cares on Him.
Out of nowhere, my son called to me and said, “Look, Mama! A butterfly!” He found my hand and jumped up into my lap. His little body held me down in the chair and pulled my head back into reality. I stopped to watch the butterfly with him.
While my sweet boy continues his song in his room, thoughts flow through my mind and fingers in my own room. This life does not match my lists and was not my plan, but I will turn back to praise the God who brought me here today. Blessed be the name of the Lord, who gives and takes away according to His goodness.